Reinhold Kusche


In 1968 I was born into a family - I may add, was so careful to keep up appearances - and I believed very early to let my happiness be conditioned by anything outward. I grew up with the following doctrine: I have learned only to be loved if it responds to the expectations and the demands of the people. Therefore, I have never felt completely detached from the expectations of others (friends, family, etc.). These comments merely exemplify a brief sketch of my journey through life

The illusion of a world with a ›fairly intact family‹ at least on the surface has burst like a soap bubble. It turned out that conversely, anything what I have believed is one gross misrepresentation. I should like to state my disappointment that I could not with my biological father. My life was characterised by inner turmoil caught in a deep identity crisis. The inner conflict was also reflected in my relentless environment. Respect is easy to detect; it begins shortly after birth, and is based on how adults treat young people and how they treat one another. Did my Dad show that respect to his child? What are the reasons behind the exceptional decision to leave me shamefully by the wayside. For this reason, too, it is important to ask the right questions and seek answers. My path in life was clearly marked out for me, and my steps bear witness to the desire for my roots. This approach was important to me but exposed me on the other side, nevertheless, to serious reproach. Sometimes I asked myself if it is allowed to shed the light on this worthwhile cause. Is it worth the trouble - mindless of my parent’s pain - to continue its search of my biological Dad? Like high waves, I continuously dispersed the sand from long ago. It was a pity that my parents did not approach matters of this kind with due caution.  
Today I am therefore particularly not amazed that an icy wind blew in my face and however, I ran up against resistance, sometimes massive. The guilty conscience seemed to scourge my body and rent my soul now as never before. It opened up expanses and abysses of the human soul; it told of extreme mental conditions, loneliness, anxieties and visions of death. Already as a young adult a serious accident occurred in Italy and it demanded the change in philosophy. I would at last be prepared to leave quietly by going to Italy - irrespective of the obstacles. I believed to find my biological father in this country. Meanwhile, I lived on the street and from hand to mouth like day labourers. I hoped I could erase the suffering and unending misery out of my head so that finally, I could achieve my goal.
I was only supposed to feel happy and contented.  
And not long thereafter - more than three months have past since the departure – another devastating accident plunged me into deep crisis. My life was in imminent danger. In fact, there has been only one victim of blazing fire, and that is my person.  
For the next few years I had to face a very severe stroke of fate. Then my order to the mysterious and gigantic universe has been delivered. I have already sent this wish continuously like an SOS in my early childhood. Finally, when I was about 35 years my desperate search for the biological father, who had been disappeared since 1972, subsequently ended. I myself was rather drawn towards the attraction of my half-brother while surfing the internet who grew up with our Dad in the United States - and to my surprise I was not drawn towards the attraction of my biological father. I Finally I learned something about his version of the events occurring 1968. Even if we are not in direct contact - because he refuses it strictly - I am grateful for the talks with him to shed light on the matter. The conversation was presented as a special gift to me.  
However, an end to the downward trend was not yet visible. After having parted with the entirety of a person's belongings – and the drastic cuts did not stop at my fellow human beings – it made an experience that disillusioned me completely. I invite you to read the anecdote...

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